Monday, March 27, 2017

Choose Life aur Cha gaya!

This is the return of transpotting 'Choose Life' speech, in Trainspotting 2 ( ). A rant on social existence can't get any better than this. Anni pa kay tou kar de akheer soniya! Cha gaya hai yar!

So here it goes:

'Choose designer lingerie in vain hope of kicking some life back in to a dead relationship. Choose hand bags. Choose high heel shoes, cashmere and silk to make yourself feel what passes from happy. Choose an IPhone made in China by a woman who jumped out of the window and stick in a pocket of your jacket made from south Asian fire trap. Choose Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram and thousand other ways to spill your bile across people you never met. Choose updating your profile. Tell the world what you had for breakfast and hope that someone somewhere occasionally looking up old flames, desperate to believe that you don’t look as bad as they do. Choose life, blogging from your first wank to your last breath. Human interaction is just a nothing more than a data. Choose 10 things you never know about celebrities who had surgery. Choose screaming about abortion, choose rape jokes, slut shaming, revenge porn and endless tide of…  choose 9/11 never happened and if it did it was the Jews. Choose the zero hour contract and a two hour journey to warton. Choose the same for your kids and only worse may be tell yourselves as bad happens. And then sit back and smolder the pain as unknown dose of an unknown drug made in somebody’s fucking kitchen. Choose the unfulfilled promise and what you could have done all differently. Choose never learning from your own mistakes. Choose watching history repeat itself. Choose slow reconciliation towards what you can get rather than what you have always hoped for. Settle for less and keep a brim face on it. Choose disappointment. And choose losing the ones you loved and as they fall from view a piece of you dies with them and until you can see that on one day in the future piece by piece they will all be good and there will be nothing left for you to call alive or dead. Choose your future Veronica. Choose life.'

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Grande Halls aur Gulshan!

A view of Imperial Banquet Karachi source:

We possess culturally and traditionally compatible views about life, love and liberation from being alive. These are our shackles of the civilized world. Nonetheless we adhere to the normality of such kind. The despair is fest upon the failures to comply. The business model of this world is set on these norms, so who am I to detest the terms of business...
Not long time ago, I wrote a sketch on desi weddings, though this time I am going to go through the parameters of logistics and supplies. Though, as I go on to rant out the frustration, nay I say, KP assembly just did that today! The respected house is pondering on putting a cap on wedding expense to 75 thousand rupees. And they are placing a rhetorical ban on dowry, yet again. Dowry, is a cultural and traditional element(CTE), can not be eliminated so easily, along with other bad CTEs. The government usually formulates two kinds of laws, ones that are too good to be implemented and ones which seem potentially popular, both end up creating a nuisance.

It’s the same sort of curb that election commission has of 15 lakhs for a national assembly seat! itnay mein koun larta hai! The truth is, aaj kal kay waqt mein tou 75 hazaar ka koi shadi haal bhi book nahi hota!
Weddings are organized at high cost, dowry tou chorro abb aur bohat karchay hogaye hai! The times are such that a single wedding function goes up to 7 lakh plus for upto 200-300 guests, and the fine photography-turn-cinematography have started to cost up to 5 lakhs itself, and the lehengas, dont get me started!! Punj Punj Lakh da lehnga vi aaj kal changa nihe lagda! dresses and themes just take it off the roof! the logistical support is almost 1-2 lakhs and not to mention the pain bros go through in transporting the cabinet members of the shadi committee! Stereo wala, catering wala and gari wala.. and imagine if bharaat is coming from Karachi to Islamabad!
So, from 15 lakh up to 50 lakhs, is what a metro wedding usually get spend in a month., dowry excluded, aur tax ki to sharaafat say bari hai nahi ayi. In this amount you can get a masters from abroad! Or you can fund three PhDs as well! Just saying..
The point being that if one does not get a big fat desi wedding, the new norm, your life is up for despair. The way I see it! Its up for despair anyway… from the time you caved-in and gave-in to the institution of marriage and wedding.. you were done! –just joking-
or am i?!!
Source: Facebook Memes
5 years ago at the time of marriage aur media, there use to be 3 shows(mendhi, baraat and walima) now its countless, it starts like 2 weeks ago and if your rukhsati is not post nikah .. oh lord! Its like you want to go on a spending spree over this weddings, like it’s a charity for self pity! Itnay armaan aur wo bhi itnay behpanah aur baehaya!
The only business the blooms in Pakistan today are corruption and shadi haals!! Ab tou har chowk par aik hai! We don’t have as many police check posts in town, in a security state, as much, weddings halls are there… and what more, they have NAMES @(*$(#&(%& NAMES!! Marquees, Halls, Banquets, Grands, Hotels, Clubs, open grounds, tents service etc!!
By now you would probably think I hate weddings, well, I don’t hate the players, I just despise the game!
So before I lose all hope in life or life loses hope in me, before I die I feel like I should vent out the views for the people who come after me…the Generation Z!
P.s.  bahi iss dunya mein jo kuda uss ka tou apna self defense bhi koi nahi hai… aur tou aur bahi yeha nichay bohat circus hai aur saray hi yeha ring master banay phirtay hai!! par tum log bhi kiya karo gaye.. Chalay bhi aao kay gulshan ka karobar chalay...

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Dylan aur Dharkhan!

Bob Dylan wearing Panama hat, enuf said! - mic drop -
Mid life no wife, still single none to mingle, bad finances no fiance, social quagmire none to admire... may be i am asexual! or there isn't a girl around me who'd like to proudly claim, 'My man is a loser!' well post-marriage is a separate story because after she owns 'his' ring, its 'her' prerogative to abuse and misuse.
Though at my end of the deal, well its really depressing, where Socrates said, get married, if successful, a happy man, if not, then a philosopher! Well, i am not, yet i am philosopher. So how worse can it get!
With two twenty million people living in Pakistan, limited resource, and ever limited opportunities, how does one aspire! banda apnay gham roye ya dosrou kay
So there is a race, you be a part of it or not, its the storm that is going to engulf you anyway. Every choice you make, will and does matter. Even that help you tried to give to a girl your friends tried to get you out of thinking about, though, while you did it, you were self-talking about 'how humans have complex delusions about their existence' and 'larger than life destiny' ... shall have a consequence of an awkward moment, for the least! Practically every action and inaction has a consequence.
But knowing that i am living in times like these, i feel helpless because i am! believe it or not, headlines tell the same stories, you scratch my back, i scratch yours, convicting a PM in the past (Gillani) got us nowhere and getting PM Sharif will also get us no where either(in case it happens). Powerful will always be able undermine the rights of the undermined, no matter what, no matter how. This is how the world has been like and no dream of a socialist marxist can change this. Those who are in position to control and influence will go back and forth to gain and regain their chairs at the halls of untouchables!
But it isn't all bad, to live and survive this life, try to woo her or shoo her, try to do something! chahaye clicktivism hi ho, as Bob Dylan says, you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone!
Thus, while trying to move around, i just wrote this on a sunday which i felt was an eventless day so far, except for Manchester United winning the EFL cup! All Hail Ibra!! GGMU!

 aap ki nazaaroun nay samjha wrath kay kabil humain
dil ki ah dharkhan tehar ja, mil gayi tension mujhe 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Smoker aur Sotay!

The government is pondering upon banning cigarettes for the humans born after 2015, though in Russia, but imagine if it was this land of the pure, in its place. Well, cocaine, marijuana, charash, amphetamine and alcohol, are already banned in this land of the pure, but ubiquitous in schools and universities of Islamabad(my government says). What I foresee is, 25 years from now, the apex committee of this country will be discussing the underground mafia selling cigarettes in a top university. Some Professor, nay I say, has had a stock of old tobacco, unadulterated and high nicotine content $#!^, saved up for this time since 2017. The pile gets raided.
Probably, this is ruining our generation, and this downfall of our country is attributed to it. The 50 year old syllabus, instrument-less labs and 0.1% budget allocated to education has nothing to do with the ever falling standards, the ministry is very serious about monitoring these standards, while 10 more universities have been banned. What a bright future there is in this land of pure.
The kids will not know about the legend of Shoaib Akhtar, but they will feel they do know, how it is like standing on a pitch, wearing no protection, facing the world's own fastest bowler running towards oneself, to beat one's eggs. Ahhh! them feels. No jobs, no economy, no future and high competition. Love will definitely be having a hard time to survive. Social media bomb will have exploded by then.
But lets come back to the present!
I am a threatened specie, a left wing male who writes satire on this blog, yet I shall say a saulah anay ki baat, without fearing for my life. Ever since I have taken up consciousness in this country, I have been told by 'my government' what is right and what is wrong. Not to mention, my government has always wanted me to believe that its survival was my survival. My government was the only thing that can build a future for me, and still is, according to it. The economy drives and multi-national projects, its taking up will change everything in future.
Yani zamana aisay badlay ga, keh, jo bolo gay, millay ga! jaisay sala, sab kuch apnay baap ka maal ho!(Meaning, the times will change like, you will get whatever you can wish for, as if its your daddy's)
Yet, no matter, what they did, how they did it, nothing was like it was as if, my daddy's.
Cigarettes are part of an industry that has been covered very well for most of the time in this world, ever since its conception. Placing tax on it was not to discourage the smoker, but to get the portion of the profits, similar to the tax you have on your salary, in the name of 'income tax'. Whether, it should be banned or not. I wont go into that discussion, every person for oneself, if you hate it don't use it, if you like it, use it, don't abuse it! Please! it can kill, like every other thing in this life of yours!
What I wish to remind, is of the hypocrisy of my government, and every other government, and its tendency to curb public enthusiasm, when an element is not profiteering in the right way.
Nonetheless, it will be interesting to see such a ban, when there are billions at stake, with thousands of jobs, export and import plus advertising. This can, definitely change the world we have came in to, if the ban ever happens, though, it will make no difference.
P.s.  ay ta'ir-e-lahooti uss sotay say pizza acha,
jis sotay say na ati ho qoumi kazanay mein kamaii.
(oh heavenly bird, a pizza is better than a cigarette, 
a cigarette that does not fills belly of national treasury)

Choose Life aur Cha gaya!

Trailer: This is the return of transpotting 'Choose Life' speech, in Trainspo...