Depression aur Danishmandi!

The following is work of imagination that finds a lot of real life comparison
Study, my friend, is that love interest that never gives in. The one, you literally 'Try' to love, with all your mind and force your heart into it. But even then, it manages to make itself predictably, boring and dull.
My question here is: When you know, that you have spent 18 years of your life, running after the same bus, whats the solution?
The trouble is, your doubts over 'are there any solutions'?
May be one just tend to be a natural at it!
Dunno!
The consistent failures to love-your-academic-responsibilities has pushed me in this well of constant stress and apparent depression. Now folks, if you experience or empathize or relate to a heart ache in mirza sahiba kind of a story or a mann mayal like, I can understand that! you can understand that! This is because it is the 'usual' and 'normal' kind of heart's emotional pain. But, study's capacity to manoeuvre such peace altering skills is spellbounding and unexplainable, bewilderment.
What's worse is when people expect you to be a world class researcher by this time. Beta ap tou 18- 19 saal say parh rahay hou, ab tou aadat ho gayi hogi.. Yes! I am habitual but not about studying but running away from it.
And why not!? I mean what really is the image of these so-called helms/powerhouses of intellectual production aka universities? well, to be honest, it has nothing to do with neither brainstorming on original ideas nor objectivity of pursuing knowledge, but everything to do with mortal infatuation towards the affinitive species and the act carried out in line of sure ambitions, to attain the sacred bliss. This, in other words is called kutakhani according to our righteous teachers and pyaar-va-yar by our fellow mortals. So, it is all so evident that the apple can not fall far from such sort of tree!
Saying that, I don't mean myself as the contestant of this ubiquitous game, instead i am that apple that has been held mind air.
So whatever I do! These realities do not help my stakes, which keep on getting high, unchecked, unmonitored. By the time, I realize the ever-so-familier 'impending doom' I dive a bit deeper into this depression, nonetheless. 
This is not a class act, and survival from the last does not make me stronger for the next level. Just more familiar and a kind of deja vu-ish, to remember the last. My reflexes have now start twitching in anticipation, on what is to come.
In these ever so testing times when my parents want me to become a 'responsible citizen' and my teachers want me to become 'responsible researcher', all I see myself is becoming 'responsibly depressed' and eagerly wishing to become 'remarkably indifferent'.
The one medicine that had kept way my ever-so-expected, fall off-the-cliff, were my friends, but even they, like any other life saving medicine in this country, are far from reach or short in supply and any substitute is time and effort consuming, not to mention the risks and costs.
So here lies the runner-up of all trades!
P.s. ab koun uthay, phir say dil laga kar parhay, koi to rok lo...... yeh danishmandi ki galiya, in may phir say koi aur aye ga, aik din zaroor aye ga, par aaj nahi, ab himmat nahi yar - Ranjhanna MPhil

Darkness aur Darna!

Disclaimer: the following post is a requital for the last masla-typo blog post... it is a return of the DARK SIDE! very very dark!! so brace yourselves, you just might wake some inner demons of yours.

The night was in, the life was dark. The time was stopping. The hopes were sailing away. I wish in times like these I could rescue my own soul. For when you wait for messiah, and lifeline, you are so in the mist of hanging in the sea, knowing nowhere to be.
So while I sit here in this high room from where I can look over the rest of this Capital city. There is no shred of any oversight, just despair. There are no rocks. The empty space inside is composed of the void that had to be created and it was an idea whose time had come. Pain my friend, I found you again on my side, dancing in this space with me.
Life was what I perceive of my own existence. It’s as hollow as the rainy day that arouse no emotion, that sunset that attracts no praise… its sadder than a survival run. And of this life, in its mysterious ways is so sarcastic, makes your losses a win and that win a loss, all lost in relative improvisation.
So, now while I sit in this room wondering about my life, the idea! It is not water, fire, dust or air, it is what it is, something I can’t fix in a bottle or possess in my pocket. I am its disciple. My desire is happiness and that my peace’s enemy. So I chose the darkness that leaves me with no hopes and lesser side effects.
Do I figure out my struggle? Oh believe me, there is a struggle! Always. It’s the monotony that I follow. Some night drive on empty roads, the moments abandoned by the rest of the society. I choose them, it is my specialty. It is a miserable sea, but the sail is mine, it is what I ‘like’ to be.
So, when you read this weird summary, a gross generalization, know this… I don’t expect anyone to comprehend or follow the logical chronology that is surely going to go unrecognized. It is a fate that I know already. Though, maybe, on some sentence, some level, we might connect to some extent.
So when I am going to end this, I write with no intent to defend. The reaching out the in world process is far out of my capacity to bear. While the world dissolves around me, there is nothing to be. Believe me I don’t care, I just can’t. I am sinfully indifferent, even to my own bland destruction.
 
p.s. reflecting on your existence is part of your individuality..
but to end on a positive note, remember in darkest of time, 
batti jalana na bholay! shamjdar kay liye ishara hi kafi hai! Darna mana hai!