Sunday, August 28, 2016

Depression aur Danishmandi!

The following is work of imagination that finds a lot of real life comparison
Study, my friend, is that love interest that never gives in. The one, you literally 'Try' to love, with all your mind and force your heart into it. But even then, it manages to make itself predictably, boring and dull.
My question here is: When you know, that you have spent 18 years of your life, running after the same bus, whats the solution?
The trouble is, your doubts over 'are there any solutions'?
May be one just tend to be a natural at it!
Dunno!
The consistent failures to love-your-academic-responsibilities has pushed me in this well of constant stress and apparent depression. Now folks, if you experience or empathize or relate to a heart ache in mirza sahiba kind of a story or a mann mayal like, I can understand that! you can understand that! This is because it is the 'usual' and 'normal' kind of heart's emotional pain. But, study's capacity to manoeuvre such peace altering skills is spellbounding and unexplainable, bewilderment.
What's worse is when people expect you to be a world class researcher by this time. Beta ap tou 18- 19 saal say parh rahay hou, ab tou aadat ho gayi hogi.. Yes! I am habitual but not about studying but running away from it.
And why not!? I mean what really is the image of these so-called helms/powerhouses of intellectual production aka universities? well, to be honest, it has nothing to do with neither brainstorming on original ideas nor objectivity of pursuing knowledge, but everything to do with mortal infatuation towards the affinitive species and the act carried out in line of sure ambitions, to attain the sacred bliss. This, in other words is called kutakhani according to our righteous teachers and pyaar-va-yar by our fellow mortals. So, it is all so evident that the apple can not fall far from such sort of tree!
Saying that, I don't mean myself as the contestant of this ubiquitous game, instead i am that apple that has been held mind air.
So whatever I do! These realities do not help my stakes, which keep on getting high, unchecked, unmonitored. By the time, I realize the ever-so-familier 'impending doom' I dive a bit deeper into this depression, nonetheless. 
This is not a class act, and survival from the last does not make me stronger for the next level. Just more familiar and a kind of deja vu-ish, to remember the last. My reflexes have now start twitching in anticipation, on what is to come.
In these ever so testing times when my parents want me to become a 'responsible citizen' and my teachers want me to become 'responsible researcher', all I see myself is becoming 'responsibly depressed' and eagerly wishing to become 'remarkably indifferent'.
The one medicine that had kept way my ever-so-expected, fall off-the-cliff, were my friends, but even they, like any other life saving medicine in this country, are far from reach or short in supply and any substitute is time and effort consuming, not to mention the risks and costs.
So here lies the runner-up of all trades!
P.s. ab koun uthay, phir say dil laga kar parhay, koi to rok lo...... yeh danishmandi ki galiya, in may phir say koi aur aye ga, aik din zaroor aye ga, par aaj nahi, ab himmat nahi yar - Ranjhanna MPhil

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