Lahore aur lamehhdood!

Humour, sir, comes natural to lahoris…. So does rudeness, sheer lack of regard and respect. Now there is a fundamental aspect to their invisible motive. That, sir, is their tendency to keep, what is known as, ‘the upper hand’.

For instance, you are standing in queue with a trolley at a grocery store. An uncle, an actual uncle, twice your age! Comes and tries to invade the line, right before the counter. Apparently they were two counters at the place. One for those with a trolley and those without a trolley. Anyway! The uncle with absolute no bearing of the blunt violation of the queue making rules, gets aback by heys of the standing! But you my friend get the brunt! The uncle stands there criticizing you for not having enough items in your trolley, in other words stating you as undeserving of the queue! You will come to admire the courage of this uncle! Almost brings a smile on you!

Then there are the traffic wardens… the rant-some tall standing men who if not writing off a challan, have the ability to shred your self-esteem to bits and pieces. So if ever you get stopped by one, hope you are left with any! Although the traffic here is rude, as much as it can be! The nature of rudeness may defer from road to road(and there are A LOT of roads). This is the motherland of the Pakistani traffic safety phrase, ‘you safe yourself in traffic, from the traffic’.

Lahore, the city of roads, bridges, and conservative vote bank! has its variety of food outlets, and is most suitably the heaven of any foodie. The clothing lines have multiple shops all over the city, you can find the clothes but finding the tailor is the key. Or on the other hand, if you buy prêt or ready-made, well, it can cost is all sort of colourful currency. Unlike the capital, the city has not outlawed its bachelors and can find a place to live, at some ease but remember that the city has it undocumented taxed high rent! So your roti, kapra and makaan…. Only for, if you have, lamehhdood(limitless) money in the pocket!

My, sir, if you want to ask that being in this city has changed my views on the burden of philosophical side of my existence. Well, the city is demanding and there is a reason to believe that an explicit version of shrewdness is required over here to survive. Although, they may not agree with you but at the end of the day, the city has a magnanimous strength to absorb people from different backgrounds, beliefs and regions.. So, the answer, sir, is no!

My fear, although, is its ability to appoint a ‘better half’. Be that as it may, but I have decided to oppose it. Atleast until, a time comes when the courage of men fails. Thus,  till the time comes…. A man most do, what a man must do. That is to work on the professional progress, personal growth, future plans and resolution of major challenges etc etc. when practically the joy of life is sucked out of life and you are finally a machine!! I miss the life of young and stupid ideas!

p.s. Laahor ch theko wasaib baow yaad tisi.. par figar nat! dushmana ku bhaa lag waisi! :P

Snape aur shadi

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

There is a thing about marriages. They are like the key to survival of human society, although, the human race still survived in its absence in some parts of the world. Marriages have some complexities to themselves in this part of the world, where they are the sole reason for anxiety for everyone!

The dhulla party is worried about the expenses and guests list on the walima.

The dhullan party is worried about the legitimacy of dhulla party and their own list of pseudo-guests.

The guests are worried about their inability to estimate the worth of the newly wed couple, for the sole purpose of the salami.

The end result, the thought that sails through everyones' mind… yeh shadi kis ka idea tha!! Damnit!

Anyways when the bills have been paid, the rollas of mama ji and chachi ji has been resolved, the night of vulgar assumptions as passed. The marriage moves to the next challenge…. Tabdeli ayi nahi aah gayi hai!!!?????

Love marriage, apart from its initial challenges, tends to bring with it an understanding that you don’t have to change and compromise forcefully but happy at will. And even if you find the new revelations, you still can live by the envisioned dream and work towards it.

Arrange marriages, already spooked by anxious suspicions, if not properly thought through, which is like most of the time,  demands and not asks, you to compromise and change yourself, if in case you want it to survive. And thus begin, ab hum kiya kar saktay hai-phase

Now the thing is, I am not the master of marriages…. I have not tried getting married over and over again. Once may be I came close to being married but still, kismatou ko nibah rahay hai. But after all that I have observed and reported. Like all other things, conscience is a luxury that is not compatible in marriages as well!

Either its arranged or love, else both!! You should never invite conscience to the party! And beware that it’s ‘the’ ‘wedding crasher’ your nani warned you about! Why, because usnay kiya kia, usnay kiya kaha, usnay kiya socha… is never going to resolve the moral stand of either party, larki, larki-walas, larka, larka-walas or guests. Just get over with it! And get over it!

Now a new life has start, a life of miya, biwi aur bachay…. And a happy family! Where you will join new ties and break some old ones and mess up once in a while, go out for a meal and everything will be expensively alright!

Pyar zindagi mein aik baar hotay hai, aur humeisah dou aisay afraad mein jo dunya say taang aye hotay hai… and in their own world nothing else exists, but just them and only them! The are on top! Centre, right and left … of the WORLD!! Their own world!

Now the thing about bachelors like me… the question is … to marry or not to marry?
its simple… hum SNAPE ji kay mureed hai bahi… ALWAYS….

Baki rahi dunya aur uski dari (rag) aka dunyadaari… Kush rakho aur kush raho… dosro kay liye hi sahi….

To the married… don’t take anything for granted and value your spouses and if in PAKISTAN.. their families more!

To the not-married-till-this-day…. Try becoming the next EDHI bahi and EDHI bajji…

P.s.  Soocraat bahi mein nay tou shadi nahi ki par philosophy phoot phoot kar bahar arahi hai… lagta hai aap nahi kaha kuch aur tha… bhabi kuch aur hi translaite kar bethi… shadi mein undderstanding honi chahiye nahi tou banda sari ummar kay liye philosopher ban jata hai!  :P

Happy aur hum?!

Remember the time when we were 4 year old kids and our parents (or their PARENTS), took us to school. It was like being born again, we gave the same fear driven cry that was like the one at our birth. The thud right in the heart, as if you have experience death of you existence. As if, you have been robbed off from safeguards of your ‘Forte Mother’, and sent into a battle field without any armour! This feeling! Heads as worries and tails ultimately to happiness. Fews days into the battle, and it becomes your homeland and your battle scars become pride that you can brag about for the rest of your life with a bittersweet sensation upon each reminiscence.

Now you have fought the bullies and the scary teachers, you had the bruises but you survived!

High school, college, university…. Been there, done that!

The bad grades, the boring lecture, the bragging class fellow… Been there, done that!

The crushes, the envy, the heart break…. Been there, done that!

Year 24! Level 6! FINISHED!

Do you know, that to prepare an English willow bat for matches, its first stroked with a hard ball hammer at each centimeter of its existence, to prepare it for a game. 1000 strokes and if it does not break… its ready for a hard ball game!

My dear same is the case with us university soon-to-be-graduates. You have been hammered and you know the feel. But now consider yourselves as READY for another rebirth!

The ‘Forte Education’ is going t throw you into the battlefield with a scary people, bad grades and crowned heart aches! But no manual, as always…

The pain of yet another death of existence is massive, the prospects of glory from surviving the next level are extensive…. But our judgment has manage to cloud itself with the help of our fears.

 Let go of those fears that have been picked up by you over the years. These complex combinations of comparative relating-ness is a weightless balloon. You survived because you had something that worked for you. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING THAT WILL WORK FOR YOU! Uncloud your judgment and look for it!

As a pharmacist I know for a fact that nature has always provided you with cures of its ills… there is always a cinchona bark for every malaria parasite!

The constant in your life is suppose to be happiness and the general formula for it is sacrifice, compassion and embracement. For death, when it is to come, it is to come! Your fight is to fight with a smile on your face!

Smile Away! The world is .. indeed… YOURS!

P.s. Next time you say… Happy aur hum??!! Follow it with an “OH! YES!!!”
see you on the flipside:)

P.p.s. this was a customized rant-deficient post! to those who felt offend! Bhai hai na! wait for the next post! choon choon kar rant marray ga! ;)

Mission aur Mutmaeen!

The tale of this land of pure is about Allahditta, Mauladitta and Peeraditta. The defining names of our religious predispositions. While in the society, you meet the each with a certain characteristic. There are those who will criticize you due to their genetic disease of perceptual superiority, there are those who will criticize you due to their ocular issues of believing that all are hopeless but themselves and then there are those who don’t give a crap about the former or the latter, thus, have to put up with them. Such people deserve a free weekly jar of coffee.

Nowadays, there is a lot, like A REAL LOT!! Emphasis on quality of leadership. Leaders are reflection of their people. When I see these shares on facebook, considering Prime Minister to be ‘mutmaeen baygairat’, it just reaffirms this.

We all want to be ‘mutmaeen baygairat’!

For all those who argue that we have had, throughout our lives, desires… that were not timely fulfilled. We achieve some substantial ground for it, grounds on which the stakes of our survival happens to balance itself upon. If we had had what we desired on time of request, then we.. they emotional fools, would be living in gutter by now!

Coming back to this community-deep issue of baygairati…. Look at our singers. They all were kings of the hill. A friend of mine, use to say a thing about Jal:

‘yar in sab ko aik aik baachi dekh dou. In ko sakoon hojiye ga. Aram  say beth jaye gaye.’

Look around today, Ali Azmat, Atif Aslam, Gohar Mumtaz, Abrar ul Haq, Haroon etc etc. ever since they got married- Viola! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! There goes their music down the toilet flush. What the fuss!  Meet the ‘mutmaeen baygairat’ of our country.

Lesson to be learned for the current government, though, is … IK has money, power and fame, but after all he is from the land of the pure! Get him married again!!! There goes the politics down the lake behind bani-gala! Shala tuwako saraya nu bhaa lagi ray! Mulk da kukh nahi chora tussah

For the sustained lack of self-realization, the sitting government deserved endless supplies of beta-blockers!

As for the commoners, men and women in the modern world have to worry about their work and identity, over the period of time. Here, in third-grade world-of-cleanly-improvised-pure, things are easier. Except for the fact that we are ungrateful fools. Thing is, when, you are guaranteed about a life, husband or wife and entity! Why would you waste time and effort on getting them all by yourself and mou kal karaying! When culture and tradition is offering so much… so much!!!! MAGAR-MUCH!!  then why.. beta why!!!! in hell, does one has to land in hot waters. All you have to do is to make the best of your ambitions in your work. If only we were objectively individualist, then this land of pure would have been an international giant! Beta WO BHI GREEN HULK-WALA JAISA! We don’t have to be high on weeds! Or rage endless wars! Its pretty simple! You need to see a psychiatrist and get some antipsychotics

But no! mein na mano ga!! Every man has to have a drive for buying an awesome car, a beautiful house and get a perfect job…. To get a good market price and achieve hot girl jo tottay ura dey!

For girls… they have to keep their dignity, get a degree and fashion up to the mark! To get a reasonable groom jo film-hero-fit bhi ho aur dad-standard-reliable bhi!

Now its time for antidepressants!

But after all this, still cant study, make a mark and slap silly all the senior citizens who are responsible for all these problems of young generation. Yes! It is not our problem! Its theirs… maybe its part of our culture to be forgiving and absorbing all the guilt of being right…

 But here I am and there you are. The loin searching for a historian, while the hunter stand as glorified!

Hum theiray bachelor salay! Aur tum shadi-shoday champions of the current system! What glory is in  that…. What glory is in winning your love affair! what glory in surviving one love affair! Hum aik baar jitay hai aur aik baar martay hai.. aur agay ki line boul gaiii :P

Ab lou baba ji a manjan! Jo daant kay saat saat, akal ko bhi saaf kar dey…

Na saeen na!! things are not as such… sab jhoot hai… the key to everything... ji wohi key! that key is revolved back to start, till becoming finally successful! Phir akhiri bhi pehla hi hota hai!

p.s. par jab itnay say khoparay mein itni saray baatein ghoomnay lag jati hai tou… yeh sari caffeine, beta blockers, antipsychotics, antidepressants aur baba ji kay majan ka interaction, side effect ka kabara kiya, aik taraf… thoughts ka interaction hi band baja dehta hai.. and patient suffers from Pyar howa aur rul marray Disease (PharmD) followed by mutmaeen bayhaad-waali baygairati syndrome(MBBS) ! Jiye Dawayia!!

Superstitions aur saray log

Note: the deliberate frequent use of small letters, was to avoid nazar.... NOT!! the writer was just deliberately frequently lazy!!

yes, i wrote down this post on a piece of paper, basically to drive away the demons... NOT!! i am just kidding, i was being old school!

we are losers, arent we? still we are going with flow.
we lose opportunities, like men lose hair nowadays. one at a time, when we are not looking and several, when we actually start looking! by which i mean running a hand through your hair and end up with high numbers ending up among your fingers. ignorance is often a bliss, right?
Moral of the the hair-fall and tale of lost opportunities: desperation takes the best of you!
superstitions to me are like those clerics that feed on your anxiety and insecurity.

• you wont use your left hand in doing some task, as bad omen might strike you..
• you wont tell a friend you are studying because it might cost you a bad grade...
• you wont check-in on facebook because your 'list of jealous friends', is going to curse you to hell...
• you wont share your plans with someone because the devil might drag you to failure...
• you wont travel this weekend because your sitaray are not in your favour... 

blah blah blah etc etc etc... a few things superstitions tries on everyone..

But struck by such obsessions, coming from the city of saints, where people are sweet and kind, as well as doubtful and speculative... superstitions takes the best of us all.
stuck within the vase, the genie offers voodoo dolls and scented scriptures.
There was a time when rulers of this land of pure, were determine not to have an Eid with two sermons. (Thank GOD it was not Friday!)
the Legend says your rule can slip away, Sir!
After such happenings, you shall fall for bad decisions, poor management and international pressure. and Viola! your fellow comrade is the new dictator! -Karma served-

I remember a decade ago there was a letter that revolved around the city, that stated its origins from some sort of arab moors, and demanded to be distributed in ten folds, in order to save the reader from a consequential impending doom. this superstition took the best of people and hence ended up at half of doorsteps of the neighbourhood.
if only i could find the first perpetrator, i would surely have made a pizza out of that letter and fed it to each bit of that fool.
But this sh*t has got to a whole new level with facebook evangelicals..
nowadays, you can be certified for hell upon not sharing a post!
aint that just lovely..
there is a place in this world for people like these, its called an asylum.
May the sanity prevail! dont do superstitions!
p.s. tamaam sitaray aur siyaray sirf asmaan ki zeenat kay liye upar lagay howay hai! nah kay aap kay jaisay saray logo ki muskil zindagi ki zimadari lenay kay liye - Wazarat-e-Nijaat-e-Jahalat, Hakumat-e-Aakal-istan! Jashan-e-Azadi Mubarak!

Victims aur Vehari

So the ceremonious Eid has come to an end. The life is back to its usual turtle pace again, although I still can not find time for my endless joys. But coffee always helps!

I gave a visit to my saint home, this summer, AGAIN!

The streets were dug up. The people well mortified. The gas stations were out of gas(as well as petrol, a new high). And the recently built ‘namesake of an (N) MNA surname’ road, was on the verge of tearing apart, like literally. A board across the wall of the famous science college of the city of saints, had the picture of unfortunate previous-national-assembly-hopeful, who failed to secure a seat in the constituency…. declaring the arrival of METRO!
-Face palm-

For last 5 years the people of the town suffered from pain… gave their blood, sweat and tears to the construction.. not the mention the cars that died with twisted axles and bikes that choked on their own shocks!!

Just when they thought it was over…. They dragged them back into the .  

(Say hi to anti-allergies!! You victims of bad administration and worse political decisions!!!)

After a few days of apprehension, I took a turn towards Dehli. From the city of saints I went on a journey to Vehari.
To my surprise the road was the best part. It reinforced on me as to what the motorways and the highways are missing…. Life!
One of the most beautiful road trips, with bowing trees and green fields all around. It was a nostalgic flash back to some euro road trip with running horses and bright sun light. One can capture a perfect romantic song for a film on it!
Although in the current state of the land of pure, this was a container-less road!! as well as, for a fact, this road did not have a single toll plaza. Best things in life are indeed for free!

Interestingly enough, this city which was part of the Indus civilization, has yet to attain full access to gas! With such high caliber politicians in this town, it’s a sad reality.

p.s. aur dou vote galat logo ko! :/

People aur pakoray

Ladies and Gentlemen! Citizens of the planet! People of this absolute Godforsaken generation. Welcome to the holy month! I, the damned writer, the crushed soul, the lone wolf, the unhappy of the happy folk.... and all the complains you hear about yourself from inner selfish conscious of yours, about yourself! Yes i feel that! ... its all that we are together my reader friend!, ahem! coming back to the subject...
i have managed to write this or .. rather i am writing because of the word 'pakoray!' that comes in my blog's title... PAKORAY!! the one thing you holy lot so crave for! the one thing you identify with the month of ramadan in desi-pur of fried-land. Dont feel generalized either, i fully understand that some of my readers might have lot more classy taste of unhealthy after-fast delights. May the cholesterol be ever in your favour.
But me exiled from the holy city of saints.... OH!! the CITY!! the SAINTS!! the PEOPLE!!  THE HOLYNESS!!! MY HOLYNESS!!! ..... -focus- ahem! well all the holy people have their complaints about the month! its like... its coming!! its coming!! the month is coming! Oh my! how will i manage my thirst, hunger, and inner most desire of excess, in plus 40 degree celsius.. there has to be a way!! how stagnant will i be, or could afford to be in the month of stagnancy celebrated by all those around meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Come on!! ramadan is about sacrifice, hardship, compassion and resilience... and your whining, complaining and forsaken attitude is the end of it! build some metal!
Now you might feel a sting, and you must! when i write (which is excruciatingly painful but to prove a point)... the word Ramadan! Seriously!! my heart went out to the person who, on the platform of ministry of international nonsense, this full of crap world of facebook shares... shared a very unorthodox stuff!! ...
we here in the land of pure... call this month RAMAZAN!!! right... or use to call!! but some of the folks have got so confused nowadays they have even mistaken Pakistan for AL BAKISTAN!!! Gimme a break!! is your head crack or something! you inferior gene of missing the protein of self-identity!!
i was at a car workshop recently and i managed to master the strength to ask as to why this albaskistan red band number plates are roaming around, in the country? is it the government or the poeple? -because here they are two very different things you know, like two opposite poles for matter of indifference-
to my amazement he told me... Sir jee, log khud hi banwatay hai kiun kay inn kay liye aik hi baat hai.. albakistan ho ya pakistan!
lesson learned :- People of this country are so thoughtful... but from down below!
where are the brains in this malnutrition-struck depression-directed gene pool!!!
so before the epidemic strikes me and i change this title of the blog... from pakoray to bakoray!! GOD SAVE THE BRAINS!! or PAINS!! or what ever.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh .. i already feel the signs and symptoms of loony-ness .. if only this medicine man had an antidote for this madness... :/

p.s.
this is that infamous post... the cause of motivation and provocation for this post!

 

par sharam tum ko nahi ati!!